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4 Thoughts on Tragedy, Family, Focus, and Faith

I’m supposed to be writing about Brussels sprouts. Somehow, I can’t force myself to think about Brussels sprouts right now (although these particular sprouts were unusually delicious). Another school shooting took place last week. I’m sure you heard.

I wasn’t going to write about it, because it feels like capitalizing on tragedy. But somehow, I find myself here in the dark writing, a small child asleep on my lap.

There are no words for situations like this, for the victims, for those left behind, for the shooter’s surviving parent. There is only pain.

With pain comes a backlash.

We’re hearing people scream for gun control and other people saying this would have played out differently if every law-abiding citizen had a gun. Celebrities are stepping forward with their wisdom, mystically garnered from years of pretending to be somebody they’re not. Soon, it will be overshadowed in the media by another tragedy, but the pain will remain.

Closer to home, we’re hearing people say to hug your children a little closer tonight, let your kids be kids, keep them happy because this could be your last moment together.

Then we’re hearing people going on with life as usual, sounding off about the dangers of French fries and non-organic apples, arguing over politics, global warming, educational methods, fill in the blank.

And finally, we’re hearing people trying to make sense of the senseless.

Pause. Big sigh.

Four things.

1–Our world is in pain. A school shooting is big, and it’s tragic. When the hallowed halls of a safe place are attacked, everything we think we knew (but never really did) about life in America is irreparably shaken.

The same reality strikes families every day everywhere on a quieter, but just as painful scale. Children are taken away from parents, ripped out of “safe” places every day through disease, accidents, family break-ups, and sometimes evil people.

Everywhere, every day, there is pain.

The way we all feel about our children right now–the way we linger a bit longer at their bedsides, touch their hair, put down the computer or magazine and make eye contact–we should feel that way, act that way every single moment of every single day.

The way we pray for others, love our husbands a little more, pick up the phone to call our mamas, and smile at total strangers, that should be a daily practice.

The pain will never go away, not ever. Shouldn’t our love be just as enduring, just as strong? Even stronger? Shouldn’t we be this way all the time?

We won’t, because we’re human, and because we need to eat and sleep and earn a living.

But we should.

2–Love like they’ll be gone tomorrow, and train like they’re going to live forever.

What does that mean?

Your child may be taken from you tomorrow. Heck, today even.

Cherish. Every. Moment.

Even when your boy throws up on your laptop, cherish it–not the throwing up, and especially not the smell, but cherish the fact that you have your boy there so he can throw up on your laptop…and hopefully he can do other, more remarkable things later.

The Bible calls it being grateful in all circumstances.

But don’t cherish to the exclusion of your duties.

Your job is to cherish your child as if each moment is your last, but the other part of your job description is to train your child as if he will live forever.

Please, please, please do not use tragedies and what-ifs and guilt (or your child’s personality, but that’s another topic) as an excuse not to train your children. If for no other reason than to make your daughter- or son-in-law’s life a little (or a lot) more pleasant, train your kids!

If I knew my children would be taken from me tomorrow, of course I wouldn’t make them do their chores or eat their veggies today. We would not work on reading lessons or first-time obedience or sharing. Chances are, however, that my children will someday need to be disciplined enough to clean up after themselves, obey those in authority, and be accountable for their own actions. That won’t happen without work…my work.

Don’t slack on the cherishing, and don’t slack on the training. I know there are only 24 hours in a day, but lucky for you, you can cherish and train at the same time.

3–-Assess your priorities. What are you passionate about right now? What is driving your days?

I’ll go first–my family, my God…and not in that order. But it wasn’t always that way.

If your passion suddenly feels unimportant in the wake of what happened, maybe that’s because, comparatively, it is.

Maybe your passion needs to be demoted to a hobby or a pastime, or maybe even kicked out for a time, so there’s room for your family and your God to take places one and two in your life (not in that order).

Spend 15 minutes on any social media platform today–Facebook, Twitter, anything. There is a huge outpouring of unified love and support and very real pain in America right now. And then there are the other posts:

“I can’t believe my mama gave my baby a graham cracker! I told her we don’t eat that junk and she did it anyway.” Well, I’m sorry, and she should listen, but you are so blessed to have a mama and a baby, and I bet you didn’t listen to your mama a whole lot more than she didn’t listen to you…just a guess.

“Anybody who feeds their children XYZ is just plain ignorant.” Maybe. Maybe. But I’m pretty sure the mamas that have no children to feed this morning aren’t comforted one iota by the fact that when they had children to feed a few days ago, they took the time and effort to feed them ABC instead of XYZ.

Has your passion or cause–whether real foods, green living, getting out of debt, or even a mission of helping others–skewed your vision just a little? Come on, just a little? Think about it, and hear yourself through others’ ears. Feed your kids right, be a green queen if that’s your calling, clip those coupons sister, but keep it in perspective, and never, ever, ever, ever let it take precedence over a living, breathing person…even us ignorant ones.

4–Give them something real.

The empty words trying to make sense of this tragedy are just that–empty. Nauseatingly empty.

Give them Christ.

We teach our children what we understand from the Bible, and that’s this:

God commands all people to be perfect, not just good enough. Unfortunately, none of us is perfect…no, not even you. So God gave us the Christmas baby, His Son Jesus, who is both God and human. (Our brains can’t grasp this completely; we are, after all, only human.) Jesus lived the perfect life we couldn’t, and then died as punishment for our failings, not His own. Jesus came back to life (because He’s God, remember) and now lives in heaven and in my heart…and maybe yours, too. I hope so.

Believing that, however imperfectly we believe and however imperfectly we understand, is faith. Knowing Christ earned you a free pass to heaven, despite the doubts that sneak in, is trust. Living every day for Him instead of ourselves, however much we mess that up, is thankfulness.

If you believe that Christ is the path to heaven, share that with your children. Don’t wait for them to figure it out on their own.

It isn’t brainwashing for a doctor to give medicine to a dying child to save his life. It isn’t forcing our beliefs on a child to teach him how to read or spell or tell him about the history of America. If you believe in Christ, truly believe that He is the only way to heaven, why would you withhold that truth, that saving medicine, that “big picture” history lesson, that comfort and hope from your child? Why would you ever let it take a back seat to anything else?

You can share your faith while you’re training and cherishing–it all fits together beautifully.

If you don’t really know what I’m talking about, this path to heaven, please, please ask me.

I’ve said enough.

I think maybe I can focus on Brussels sprouts now before my blessings wake up. You, my friend, go love on your children–cherish, train, prioritize, and share Christ. That’s the simple life in a nutshell.

Christmas Card Chaos – Why We Go Insane and 10 Alternatives to the Insanity

This is a long-ish read, so feel free to click through to the section you want. The Christmas Card Chaos Alternatives are at the bottom. But you’ll be missing some good stuff…or at least some stuff. Lottsa stuff.

My Family’s Christmas Card History
My Philosophical Assessment on the Christmas Card Insanity (In other words, why?)
A Little Reminder About Reality Versus the Internet
A New Philosophy on Christmas Cards (It’s genius…okay maybe it’s just common sense.)
10 Alternatives to Christmas Card Chaos
Our Christmas Card Plan This Year
A Final Word on Christmas Card Competitiveness
A Freebie Offer and a Giveaway

10 Alternatives to the Christmas Card Chaos (www.TheSimpleHomemaker.com)

I love Christmas cards. If you put chocolate on one end of a balance scale and Christmas cards on the other, chocolate would win, but it would be really close.

As much as I love receiving Christmas cards, I like sending them even better. That’s why this confession may surprise you. I stopped sending formal Christmas cards 7 Christmases ago.

My Family’s Christmas Card History

I used to totally get into Christmas cards, newsletters, and photos. I enjoyed the creative process, but not the stress and time involved. So what happened?

I was expecting my fifth baby around Christmas 2005, homeschooling, unpacking from our second move in a year, and prepping for extended-stay houseguests. Plus, I was suffering from anxiety-related ailments. Something had to give. It was a close call between ousting our guests or the Christmas cards, but in the end I dumped the cards. It was the right decision…according to my houseguests.

The next year, it occurred to me that I had been investing a disproportionate chunk of time perfecting cards for people I hardly knew anymore at the expense of my family and health. Sure, the relationships had been priorities at one time, but the children pulling at my skirt were priorities right now.

My Philosophical Assessment on the Christmas Card Insanity (In other words, why?)

Why do we do that? Why do we expend time, stress, and money every December to paint our family at its better-than-best, however distorted that image may be?

Perhaps we want the world to believe we have it together because maybe, just maybe, that will validate our efforts and struggles and downplay the failures we might feel are unique to us.

We might also feel that our very real and messy lives need to measure up to the images implied in the perfect family photos and elaborate cards, which I sometimes feel are posted online only to make us moms without capes or halos feel less than adequate.

A Little Reminder About Reality Versus the Internet

Nobody’s Christmas cards include pictures of mommy moods, toddler-tantrums, teen scowls, and scorched suppers, but that doesn’t mean they don’t happen…often while trying to capture that perfect family photo, ironically. And nobody rolls out of bed looking like that Photoshopped beauty on the card. (That’s why bloggers don’t blog on live TV. Plus it’s boring watching people type.)

Reality and the Internet don’t ~~always~~ often mesh. Remember that.

A New Philosophy on Christmas Cards (It’s genius…okay maybe it’s just common sense.)

We still like giving cards, but we’ve taken it down a notch or five. Here’s how.

1) We no longer have a card list as long as Elastigirl’s arm. We keep it down to a few special people, such as grandparents. Just because I’m someone’s friend on Facebook does not qualify that person for a spot on the Christmas card list. Sorry!

2) Perfection is not a goal. Enjoying the process together is.

3) If it gets to be too much, we stop, even if we’ve done everything but put a stamp on ’em.

10 Alternatives to the Christmas Card Chaos

Here are some of the tactics we’ve employed over the years to keep it reasonable and fun.

1) Last year, my firstborn made and sent Christmas cards as the family ambassador.

2) I’ve replaced December weekly homeschool letter writing assignments with card writing. Six kids of writing, drawing, or scribbling age plus mom over four weeks, that’s 28 Christmas cards. Not bad.

3) I purchase discounted cards after Christmas for my kids to use as thank you notes. It’s sort of like a holiday card…only with gratitude. Who doesn’t love gratitude!

4) We have occasionally resorted to the Merry Christmas email. It doesn’t have the same impact that an in-your-hand stamped piece of mail does, and I don’t like to do it, but then I remember my priorities. Plus it keeps the brown hairs brown a little longer and doesn’t tax the budget.

5) Online card companies have great deals this time of year, sometimes sending personalized cards on your behalf for a ridiculously reasonable fee. (Don’t ask me how they stay in business.) I jump on the freebie offers, like this one for ten free personalized cards from VistaPrint this week, because I’m cheap like that. (See the bottom of this post for a giveaway.)

6) My favorite approach is to cover our table with craft supplies for a week (dinner on a blanket on the floor, anyone?), and let the kids go crazy. We then sign our names to whatever hasn’t been permanently glued to the table or wall, stick it in an envelope, and mail it…sometimes in March. It’s fun, and, more importantly, we are spending that time together.

7) We haven’t set foot in a photo studio in years, because I’ve determined it’s inhumane. My husband hates it. My kids hate it. And I don’t like the real tears and fake smiles. We opt for personality over perfection. When we want a family photo for cards, we set up the camera at home, get a dozen shots, and call it good enough. Sometimes we use a picture someone else took of our family. Sometimes we don’t send pictures at all. (If they want to know what we look like, they can visit, for Pete’s sake.)

8) Instead of writing out cards, we’ll make a phone call. Any willing children can say “hi,” or I’ll kick up my feet (actually I pace) and chat for half an hour. I’ll mention that we’re not doing Christmas cards this year, but I still wanted to connect. I don’t actually say “connect,” though, because that sounds kinda like I’m trying to sell insurance.

9) Rather than sending cards to who-knows-who just to show off our amazing kids, we take a look around. Can we use cards to serve others, putting a smile on a lonely person’s face? That was sort of rhetorical.

10) Last year the kids helped write a family newsletter. They drew names and wrote about the sibling whose name they drew. We never finished the newsletter, but we sure had fun not getting it done!

Our (After) Christmas Card Plan This Year

I’d love to create a Christmas card DVD with a slideshow of our year set to my husband’s music. It would include the year’s highlights, as well as the major fails that keep us real. I’d edit in clips of my children singing and reciting Christmas greetings, and an off-the-cuff, Hollywood caliber reenactment of the Christmas story, with a cameo appearance by Tom Selleck as Angel Gabriel.

That’s the plan I formulate in my head before I get out of bed. Then I open my eyes and realize I still live in reality, so I scrap the whole idea and embrace simplicity…and sanity.

My real plan is a little different. Because I have to make a few big announcements to people that I would otherwise have to contact individually, I opted to do a simple newsletter. The children will write about themselves, I’ll handle the updates, and my artistic daughter can illustrate it so we can print in black and white and use less ink than photos would. Plus then my artist can make me look ravishingly young and leave out the grey hair. (What’s that I said about keeping it real?) Whether or not that will get out by Christmas is yet to be determined–okay, it won’t. But that’s okay. There’s something special and unexpected about an after-Christmas card.

A laid-back approach to cards, a shortened recipient list, and willing family participation make card-giving a low-stress family affair. Okay, I’ll admit it’s even fun!

A Final Word on Christmas Card Competitiveness

I’d love to see a turn-around in America where moms stop trying to outdo each other and instead encourage each other on this shared journey of parenthood. Trying to make ourselves look better than others not only makes them feel insecure, but it makes them try to outdo us, which, if they succeed, will make us feel insecure and necessitate our having to ramp it up next year. Do we really want to go there?

If you have people in your life who feel like it’s a competition to outdo one another, let them win! Their cards may appear better than yours (and more expensive and time-consuming), but while they were slaving over cards, you were making sugar cookies with your kids and chatting on the phone with your favorite Grandma. So…who really wins?

Here are some thoughts from other moms and me via NYC journalist Jacoba Urist.

And here is a giveaway of some of those online cards I told you about! Low entries–great prize! Check it out over at Authentic Simplicity.

Last, but not least, here are ten free cards from VistaPrint through December 14.

What’s your approach to Christmas cards?

It Must Be Christmas – A Christmas Carol by Stephen Bautista

My husband singer/songwriter Stephen Bautista just finished his brand new Christmas song, “It Must Be Christmas.” I couldn’t wait to share it with you, so he made a home recording and put it up on You Tube just in time for Christmas! I’d love it if you had a listen.

If the video isn’t showing up here, you can pop on over to You Tube and have a listen there.

From our family to yours, we wish you a blessed, meaningful Christmas season.

If you enjoy this Stephen Bautista version of a new Christmas carol, please share with your friends and family.

Truth in the Tinsel – Hands-on Family Advent Fun

Three things before we begin:

This is last year’s review of Truth in the Tinsel, before we got into it much. I’m reposting this, because we really liked it, and I share things I like with you…because I like you.
This post contains affiliate links. In fact, I think all the links are affiliate links. Whoa. Intense.
If you want to skip my review and just go check out Truth in the Tinsel, I won’t take you off my Christmas list. (That was an affiliate link. And so is this next one…and the next one….and…)

Check out Truth in the Tinsel here!

I love Advent. I love Advent wreathes and Advent calendars and Advent activities.

Unfortunately, many of the Advent activities I see are either too deep for my younger children or involve far too much preparation and work on the part of the parent. And I’m definitely not doling out chocolate or gifts every day in Advent. I mean, I’ll eat chocolate every day, but I’m not doling it out.

Last year I was tempted to try Truth in the Tinsel. I had heard quite a bit about it, and it sounded great for my hands-on kids. Still, with a brand new baby, a very sick child, and a music mission to launch, I wasn’t going to tackle anything more than I already had. Instead I opted to feed all seven children and my husband three meals a day for the entire month of December. [Insert applause here.]

Now this December is rolling around and the Advent tickle has struck again. This time I have a plan. The plan is to let someone else do all the planning and work. Are you with me?

So I bought Truth in the Tinsel, and I’m telling you people, I don’t spend money easily…except on food. I buy a lot of food…and I eat a lot of food…but not as much as I buy. I digress.

Here’s what I love about Truth in the Tinsel:

The 24 readings are straight from the Bible. I teach my children the Bible by reading directly from the Bible–how novel. Why not keep teach the Christmas story from the Source? Why not? (That wasn’t rhetorical.) There’s no reason why not! It draws from both the Old and New Testaments. Even more novel!

Each lesson includes an ornament craft which is totally doable. If you don’t have the time or energy for crafts, because of, you know, life, you can still implement the program. Truth in the Tinsel now offers a set of printable ornaments for $3.99. Set out a safety scissors, the crayons, maybe some glitter (shudder), and you’re set! Or skip the crafts. (It’s not illegal…seriously.)

If you don’t get to it every day, it’s okay. It’s okay. Hey, it’s okay! Okay? There are alternative schedules for making it work for your situation, even if that involves squeezing it in at random moments…which means I totally could have pulled this off last year after all. The goal is not completing the program; the goal is focusing your family toward Christ.

Although it’s designed for “little hands,” it can include the whole family. All ages can participate in the Bible readings, and anyone who is interested can get crafty at their own levels. Discussion questions can extend to everyone as well. My firstborn is learning to drive and my seventh-born is learning to walk, so at The Simple Home, including a broad age range is a huge deal.

Truth in the Tinsel is also available in Spanish and as a group study for churches, youth groups, homeschool groups, uh, insert your group here.

Amanda, the creator of Truth in Tinsel, has a real heart for children’s ministry, and that radiates through her work.

Okay, enough from me. Visit the site, check out the sample page, and, see if it will add to your family’s advent celebration. You can download it instantly and begin using it right away.

Buy Truth in the Tinsel here.

Oh, here’s another idea! Check out Crock On – A Semi-Whole Foods Slow Cooker Cookbook, one of my favorite e-cookbooks. Let your crockpot do the cooking while you enjoy Truth in the Tinsel with your children! Brilliant!

Crock On Semi-Whole Foods Slow Cooker Cookbook Review

Disclosure: I’m pretty sure just about every link on this page is an affiliate link, meaning if you purchase an ebook or Kindle book through one of my links, I receive a portion of the proceeds at no cost to you. It’s a neat way for readers to support their favorite blogs. Crazy awesome, isn’t it?

If you want to skip my review and go check out the Crock On ebook or print version or read the comments about the Kindle version, I’ll totally understand. I’m all about streamlining.

I am a recovering cookbook junkie. I love all things cookbook. My cookbook cupboard used to groan with overburdened shelves. And then I purged…the cookbooks, that is. One of the cookbooks I purged was my highly rated, but highly disappointing crockpot cookbook. It was filled with canned soups and powdered mixes, and the recipes rarely turned out well.

I was bummed, because I really wanted to love my crockpot, and I really wanted a cookbook to help make that happen.

Enter Crock On by Stacy Myers of Stacy Makes Cents!

Stacy’s beautiful cookbook belongs on a coffee table. I love perusing it, reading Stacy’s entertaining writing, and admiring the beautiful photography. It’s my new favorite e-cookbook. In fact, I like it so much, I bought a print copy.

Oh, I almost forgot. I love cooking out of it, as well.

And so will you.

Here’s why.

First, the recipes are delicious. Let’s face it. That’s the top priority for the husband and the kids. If it isn’t good, it…well…isn’t good.

Second, the subtitle of Crock On is A Semi-Whole Foods Slow Cooker Cookbook. I like the Whole Foods aspect of the book, because every recipe uses real, healthy, wholesome ingredients, unlike most crockpot cookbooks that call for powdered mixes and canned soups. I like the Semi portion of that title, because it indicates that the recipes aren’t over-the-top. In other words, every recipe contains ingredients that are readily available (and easily pronounced). It’s wholesome, yet doable.

Well played, Stacy. Well played.

Check out some of these recipes:

Mexican Chicken Chowder
Hominy Taco Chili (I ate this three days in a row.)
Broccoli Soup
Cheeseburger Sloppy Joes
Carolina Barbecue Chicken Sandwiches
Chicken Tetrazzini
Maple Sesame Chicken
Swiss Steak
Sloppy Chicken
Beef and Broccoli (This was a hit.)
Cream Cheese Chicken
Broccoli Casserole
Pizza Potatoes (Major yum!)
Macaroni and Cheese
Garlic Smashed Potatoes (This was on our Thanksgiving table.)
Creamy, Cheesy Corn
Coconut Sweet Potatoes
Upside Down Apple Pie
Honey Baked Apples and Pears
Granola Apples
Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Lava Cake
And plenty more…

Want to try a recipe? Here’s a page pulled right out of the cookbook (with permission, naturally, so don’t tattle on me). Click on the image to see the full version or to print it.

Looks good, doesn’t it?

Stacy’s beautiful cookbook is only $5 as an ebook or on Kindle. It is worth much more, but Stacy’s goal is to help her readers save money, so she set the price low. She’s neat like that. I personally think the print version would make a great gift. (Ask her for an autographed copy–it makes her blush.)

Buy Crock On here as an ebook or in print.

Buy Crock On for Kindle here.

Simple Thanksgiving Craft – How to Make a Canning Ring Pumpkin

I don’t normally post crafts on TSHM. It is too easy to become mired under a pile of wanna-do’s and feelings of inadequacy, and I don’t want to increase that by making you feel like you should do more…more…more. But…crafts are fun, and as long as you commit to not overdoing it, I will post the occasional simple, affordable, totally doable project. Cross your heart? Okay.

I saw this simple and charming mason jar ring pumpkin on Pinterest.

We have loads of mason jar rings just screaming to be a part of our Thanksgiving décor. I can respect that, so I popped through to the original post at Simply Klassic, where I learned two things: 1) Kristin, the original crafter is a terrific photographer and wonderfully creative, and 2) this craft is indeed simple, free, and quick.

My four-year-old ballerina and I threw this charming pumpkin together in 15 minutes Kristin did it in five), and everyone who has seen it has said, “Wow, where did you get that?”

My ballerina did most of the work while I made dinner, but because I tied the string, she refuses to let me say that she made it alone. She keeps a body honest.

How to Make a Canning Ring Pumpkin

Supplies:

20-ish mason jar rings (I would go about 24. Ours could use 2-4 more)
small piece of string—a foot or so
cinnamon sticks or real sticks
burlap or other material or real leaves
one enthusiastic four-year-old ballerina, the cuter the better

Directions

String the rings on the string (it worked better when we put them all on in the same direction).

Tie the string tightly and cut away the excess.

Stick sticks (cinnamon or otherwise) in the center.

Cut out leaves and plop ‘em on top. (I drew them on the burlap for Rebecca.)

I called it complete at this point. If you want, however, Kristin says you can spraypaint the rings orange or white. I think it would be quaint to give them a weathered look with brown paint that you’ve either watered down or rubbed off immediately after painting it on. I need to use our rings to make yogurt in our Excalibur dehydrator, so we left them plain. (Plus paint equals more time and mess and less simplicity, and my ballerina was not interested in replacing her tutu with a paint shirt.)

That’s it!

Bask in the magnificence of it all. Name your pumpkin (Becca named ours Olivia Faith). Take pictures. Pin them, post them, send them to your mom (don’t forget to tell her you love her, and say “hi” from me).

If you make the canning ring pumpkin, send me a picture on Facebook!

Special thanks to Kristin at Simply Klassic for sharing this craft with us, and letting me share it with you. Go check out her end result using older, tarnished rings—very charming.

For more simple ideas, follow my Simple Thanksgiving board on Pinterest.

The Perfect Holiday Redefined

As mid-November rolls around, the fever hits. It begins with a little tickle, almost an itch, and in no time at all it is an all-consuming full body rash. It’s Holiday Fever! Do you feel the tickle?

There’s nothing wrong with Holiday Fever that is kept in check, but when it isn’t caught early, it can take down a full-grown mama and her family, too, as collateral damage.

Holiday Fever usually begins with a single thought: “This year’s going to be different…better.” Some well-intentioned folks even say, “This year, I’m keeping it all in perspective.” But then idle hands flip through a Better Homes and Gardens magazine in a waiting room, or wayward feet head to the Christmas section in the store, or eyes head to Pinterest to “just take a peek.” Before you know it, that once dormant holiday virus strikes full force, and the victim is once again over-planning, over-scheduling, over-committing to the perfect holiday…which never is.

It’s time to redefine perfect.

Perfect is not running around frazzled. It’s not whiny hungry kids wanting cookies, but needing wholesome family meals and some mama time. It’s not a mountain of stuff surpassed only by a mountain of debt. It’s not the insane lists of “what you have to do this Christmas” I’ve seen floating around the world of cyber-insanity. Let’s redefine the perfect holiday, shall we? Okay, I will, and you can just sit there licking a peppermint stick.

The Perfect Holiday Redefined

The Dreaded…I Mean Perfect Family Photo: Instead of a picture perfect, expensive, and all-too-torturous Christmas photo experience, TPHR (that’s my super-cool code for The Perfect Holiday Redefined) photos show a laughing, joyful, real family…maybe with messy hair, maybe with mismatched outfits, maybe in PJs, maybe with the hot cocoa bribe evidence still on their faces. The point is, the experience wasn’t torturous…except for the innate fact that any family photo borders slightly on the inhumane…at least in a family of nine.

The Perfect (Or the Existing) Christmas Card: As much as I love getting Christmas cards (giddy like a kid in a candy shop with non-sugar-phobic non-budget-oriented parents), I’m going to say this and mean it. You do not need to send out Christmas cards. Really! You don’t! If you want to do something, how about a TPHR email, or a card in, say, July. I love getting my grandparent’s Christmas letter around February. It’s cold outside, winter’s gotten long, the kids are restless, and BAM! A TPHR card and letter in the mail. What fun!

The Perfect Wrapping: Seriously? Do we need to go there? It will be torn into little unrecognizable shreds and thrown in the fire where it will be burned into ash. One year I meticulously wrapped all the presents I sent across the country, imagining them sitting for days under perfectly decorated trees, accenting the holiday décor. There were blizzards, the mail was late, they got left at the end of the driveway in a pile of snow, and they were left in the box so long that when they were finally set out, they were mushed…in terms of perfection, it was a mess. Most years, my children have a blast wrapping presents themselves…and single-handedly keeping the Scotch brand in business for another season (the tape, not the booze). TPHR wrapping may not look perfect, but the family has fun doing it together…and that’s “perfecter,” like my grammar, which is the perfectest.

The Perfect Decorating: Charlie Brown’s tree is cute, isn’t it? And it was affordable. ‘Nuf said. Okay, I’ll say this, too. If you’re distracting your kids with coloring pages and television so you can spend hours and dollars creating holiday décor perfection that you don’t want said offspring touching, or if you tell your children they can’t help because they won’t decorate “right,” then you have a problem…emphasis on “you”…and on “problem”…and on “have a.” It’s okay to have a don’t-touch tree and don’t-touch nativities, and it’s okay to keep them safe from anybody who might throw Baby Jesus across the room and shatter him. But don’t let that dominate your décor if you have children. When I was growing up, my little brother made a Christmas robot man out of toilet paper rolls and hung it on the tree…every year. My mom never once made any of us think it wasn’t good enough. In fact, I think she still hangs that baby on the tree, and my brother is in his 30s. (I secretly think he’s still making them, too, but I have no hard evidence.)

The Perfect Gift: If it’s going to add clutter to someone’s life, is it really that perfect? Think about it. I know the “experience gift” is popular, so why not go that route? Perhaps a giftcard for your grandson to go with you to see Star Wars VII in 2015…or something a little sooner. Perhaps a repurposed basket filled with food for a date night. The basket can be used or regifted and the food can be eaten. Think outside of the stocking…so to speak. Or make a deal with your extended family that their presence is your present, and vice versa. My favorite gift for people that don’t really need anything is a donation in that person’s name. Compassion International and World Vision are two of our favorites, but there are many others. Of course, a Stephen Bautista CD is always an ideal gift that nobody would consider clutter! (Yes, that was a blatant, shameless plug for my husband’s music. What can I say? I’m a fan.)

The Perfect Meal: Are you left alone in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove (don’t you just love that expression—it makes me feel like I’m wearing three skirts working in the sweltering old servants’ kitchen at Mt. Vernon sweating into President Washington’s fish muddle and hoe cakes) to prepare elaborate Thanksgiving and Christmas meals for your family and guests? Why not draw them in by giving everybody something to do? You’ll have company and help, and, although it may not turn out exactly as you envisioned it, you’ll be making memories together. (Just don’t be the bossy perfectionist. You know the one!) Other options are appetizer buffets and potlucks. Mmmmm…food.

The Perfect Cookie: Don’t stress over outdoing everyone else or about filling a cookie platter. Do you have a cookie reputation to live up to? It’s time for a reputation overhaul if that one is stressing you out. TPHR cookie perfection is simple: if it’s got butter in it, it’s perfect! Seriously, if it’s fun for you or your children, great. If not, arrivederci. (Uh, that’s Italian for adios! ciao! you’re outta there!) Now, about the ideally decorated cookie, let the kids decorate the cookies! They’ll learn how, they’ll have fun, and so what if they don’t look like the one you saw on Pinterest. So what?! So! WHAT!!! So what so what SO WHAT!!! The cookie is going to be eaten and turned into…something that’s not a cookie. So… SO WHAT!!!

The Perfect Extras: In my life in my head, my family sits around the tree (lit by real candles, naturally) enjoying Advent readings nightly, sipping homemade cocoa with no sugar (because the family in my head doesn’t need sugar), enjoying the ambience of the handmade ornaments and wreathes and tree skirt, all, of course, wearing our handknit sweaters…and nobody ever whines. The family on the outside of my head is a little whinier, and there are a few other differences, too…like all of them. If the crafts and the “moments” and the Advent readings and such are important to you, that’s great, but make it doable, and make it enjoyable. Advent readings are important to me, but they don’t pan out on a nightly basis for everyone, so we opt for Sundays and Christmas Eve. The last time I lit a candle in my house, I started a small fire. The crafts are hit and miss. We may get one accomplished in a season. And the handknit sweaters? Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa! Keep it realistic and you’ll keep it fun.

The Perfect Schedule: Instead of slating out your family’s schedule and possibly over-committing people to things they really don’t want to do, call a family meeting. Ask everyone what they want to do as part of TPHR. Do they want to watch The Grinch? Schedule it. Do they want to drink hot cocoa while looking at Christmas lights? Schedule it. Do you want to read Luke 2 on Christmas Eve? Schedule it. Do they want to watch football on Thanksgiving? Schedule it. Which of the half dozen Christmas invitations does the majority WANT to accept? Schedule them. Advent readings? Crafts? Christmas cards? Cookies? Schedule them. But don’t overschedule! Keep it simple. Keep it fun. Keep it TPHR-friendly.

Are you catching a theme here? Put people above perfection. Stop striving for the unattainable. Your kids won’t remember or much care that you were in the kitchen creating cookie perfection. They will remember that they were in the kitchen with you, laughing and making a big ol’ mess. That, my friends—the laughter and, yes, the big ol’ mess—that is the perfect holiday redefined. Now go make a big laughing mess…and maybe clean it up when you’re done…together…while laughing…because that really is the perfectest!

To help you redefine the perfect holiday, my husband and I are teaming up on an ebook, available soon. Sign up as a subscriber to get all the details when it’s available.

How do you keep it all in perspective?

Helpful links:

Truth in the Tinsel is a hands-on journey through Advent for children. This year Amanda, the author, is offering printable ornaments to make it even easier for parents to implement the program. That makes it ideal for a simple Advent project. Last year’s participants gave it rave reviews. Check it out here.

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